Boards on the window, mail by the door-What would anybody leave so quickly for?

Give her some funked up music, she treats you nice

i dont think so

sunset

on the fourth of july

I find my emotions are flowing like waves

like the sun emerging from behind a cloud

...lights up the whole room

..warms my skin

then a new cloud comes along and

turns it into a chilly gray shadow

and I get through it because I have to

and because I know that it will certainly pass.

It's almost worse to feel this kind of pain

while possessing the knowledge that everything will get better.

I can imagine everything being fine and I just want to be there already

I find myself wishing I could
abandon and dismiss the pain

the way that he can so easily dismiss me

and everything that i've shown him

I want to float up to the sky now

and look down at the earth

so that I can remind myself

of how impossibly small everything is

and how incredibly large everything is.

Instead I am floating in a pool under the night sky

on the 4^th of July

I watch the fireworks light up the darkness above me

and the water around me

and I know that these fireworks

are both a celebration of new beginnings

and a cruel reminder of how quickly beautiful things fade.

magic

There are few things that never die,

few things that stand true

even when everything else seems to crumble

even when facades fade away...

There is a tightly packed ball of glass in my belly

and a bed of nails resting beneath my sternum

every time I draw a breath in

It rattles and rolls and slices my insides

I'm finding that the feeling of being replaced

and of not being quite right

even when you try your hardest

is a pain that likes to linger...

There are certain folks in this world who find that they cannot express themselves

they have this truth burning inside of their own bellies

they have a vision but not the right words

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to share yourself with someone

only to find out that they don't speak your language

Jimi Hendrix was born with a hunger

he was born with a vision

when he got on that stage\he didn't just play his guitar

He shot static and light out of his fingertips

out of his entire body

He ate the music and spit it out into the audience and ate it again

He watched his fingers make the sounds that allowed him to show people his

heart...

allowed him to turn his body inside out

to break free from the cage we all live in from time to time.

when he was on stage I think that ball of glass in his stomach

was sanded down into tiny particles

and flowed out of him,

out of his soul

in bursts of heavy, aching frequencies.

And then you learn that off stage he was painfully shy.

I saw this drummer at a bar I like

I love to watch the musicians play as I dance

sometimes you'll catch them grinning at each other,

smiling about an inside joke, or some mutual feeling,

smiling down at their instrument,

watching the dancers move to the sounds they make...

my favorite is when the individual is so consumed with their instrument

you find that they cannot be separated or distinguished from one another

The drummer became his drum

he ate his music and spit it out onto the tips of his drumsticks

I love that.

To get so lost, even for just a moment

It is the most beautiful meditation.

For now I will dance

until I become those notes

I will be the ultimate groupie

to music as a whole.

I will allow the pain I feel now

to flow through me until it pushes out into the notes that dance around me,

until it mixes with the pain of others

until I cannot distinguish their pain from my own.

I will listen and watch and keep moving

until I feel better, until everyone feels better

until the world looks less hazy,

when there is less static in the air

until I can honestly feel the beauty of life again.

I will do my part,

and music will do its part

as it always does.  

Gesture of Balance

I am in the bath

the water is pink and foggy

Like a sunrise

on a cold morning

But every part of me is warm

the water strokes me gently

wraps around my body from all sides

I feel engulfed and cradled

and comfortable

It is a familiar sensation

There are oil rings on the surface

Flashing small glimpses of rainbow

I touch them with my fingertips

and watch them spread.

Today I feel loved

not by anyone in particular

In fact, I may have even felt a bit abandoned earlier

but loved, nonetheless

mostly by the universe

and by music

and by myself

I massaged my own feet

until I moaned a little

why do I always forget to do this?

And not in the subconscious way we sometimes rub our necks

But rather deliberately and passionately

lay our own hands on our own legs and rub and squeeze

and feel relief

Relief from a human touch

Even when you may long for another

some other touch

We are still reminded

we really do always have ourselves

the legs that stand for us

the hands that touch for us, grab

for us

the eyes that see, ears that hear, lips that kiss

hearts that beat

I put a homemade bathbomb

into my water

I watch it sizzle and bubble and bounce around

like a living thing

until it disappears

I turn the knob and add more hot water

let me lay on my belly

ass slightly out of the water

my cheek squished up against the cold, white, hard

edge of the tub

squishing my lips together

I do find myself wanting a kiss

from another

I am very tired now

a little stoned

relaxed

Last time I dreamt of a type of lizard

an exotic type

He was being carried by some woman

presumably his owner..

and she told me to hold him

I resisted but she put him

right in my two hands

He unhinged his whole jaw

like a snake does for a rat

to reveal the tiniest, sharpest teeth you've ever seen

and it swallowed my whole hand

and I couldn't get him off

I felt pain

It felt like real pain in my dream

not exactly how pain feels in real life

but it was still pain

duller

like a distant ache

but it was all that I could focus on, all that I felt

Finally it released me somehow

and I look down to see my hand, fat and swollen and bloody

and she says to me, “Oh! He likes you!”