Gesture of Balance

I am in the bath

the water is pink and foggy

Like a sunrise

on a cold morning

But every part of me is warm

the water strokes me gently

wraps around my body from all sides

I feel engulfed and cradled

and comfortable

It is a familiar sensation

There are oil rings on the surface

Flashing small glimpses of rainbow

I touch them with my fingertips

and watch them spread.

Today I feel loved

not by anyone in particular

In fact, I may have even felt a bit abandoned earlier

but loved, nonetheless

mostly by the universe

and by music

and by myself

I massaged my own feet

until I moaned a little

why do I always forget to do this?

And not in the subconscious way we sometimes rub our necks

But rather deliberately and passionately

lay our own hands on our own legs and rub and squeeze

and feel relief

Relief from a human touch

Even when you may long for another

some other touch

We are still reminded

we really do always have ourselves

the legs that stand for us

the hands that touch for us, grab

for us

the eyes that see, ears that hear, lips that kiss

hearts that beat

I put a homemade bathbomb

into my water

I watch it sizzle and bubble and bounce around

like a living thing

until it disappears

I turn the knob and add more hot water

let me lay on my belly

ass slightly out of the water

my cheek squished up against the cold, white, hard

edge of the tub

squishing my lips together

I do find myself wanting a kiss

from another

I am very tired now

a little stoned

relaxed

Last time I dreamt of a type of lizard

an exotic type

He was being carried by some woman

presumably his owner..

and she told me to hold him

I resisted but she put him

right in my two hands

He unhinged his whole jaw

like a snake does for a rat

to reveal the tiniest, sharpest teeth you've ever seen

and it swallowed my whole hand

and I couldn't get him off

I felt pain

It felt like real pain in my dream

not exactly how pain feels in real life

but it was still pain

duller

like a distant ache

but it was all that I could focus on, all that I felt

Finally it released me somehow

and I look down to see my hand, fat and swollen and bloody

and she says to me, “Oh! He likes you!”